I can’t wait to look back over the last year and a half and laugh at how my work has taken a deep, deep plunge. I haven’t been able to create like I used to, I haven’t been able to write like I used to, I hate almost everything I create, and I’m just stuck. I can’t wait to get to a point where I’m happy with my work and accept that the downs have to happen. Sometimes, they’re just a few days. And sometimes.. they’re over a year. Which is where I’m at now. Feeling like I’m clawing my way through this. I have dirt under my fingernails and it feels like it’ll be there permanently. And I’m embarrassed because no matter how much I try to wash it off, it just doesn’t go away and everyone can see it. Everyone can see how I haven’t been producing work like I used to.
I made this image earlier this month and decided it won’t see the light of day. I hated it. But it’s exactly how I feel right now.
I have this fear that people will forget about me. Which, when I stop to think about, shouldn’t bother me. I didn’t start creating to be noticed or well-known. I created because I needed to. That’s what I wanna get back to.
I tried the 52 week project, I tried committing to a smaller project, but I realized that I can’t force it. I know that creativity is a muscle that you have to train, but I’m at a point where I’m sore and tired. I just feel lost.